Sunday, December 11, 2011

Be Friend Again After Breaking Up

Be Friend Again After Breaking Up
Is not so easy to forget a girl we loved (or still do?) after breaking up. It is not so easy, either, to start a new relationship as friends with the ex. However, it's worth-trying to see whether you can be friends again or not, even though, traditional wisdom says it's impossible, or at best, not worth all the effort. And in many situations, that maxim holds true.

But the issue isn't so black and white if the girl in question started out as a close friend to begin with. After all, this is someone you've probably known for some time, have a great time with, and feel comfortable being around. Those types of people are hard to come by, and it makes sense to keep them around whenever possible. So it's usually in both your best interests to try and keep the friendship intact.

Make sure the feeling is mutual
Before you can go back to being just friends, you have to make sure that she wants the same thing. Be clear about the type of relationship you want with her, and make sure she's on the same page.
Need help figuring out what's going on inside her head? Ask yourself the following questions:
Did she end it? If so, she may be afraid that you're still not over her. But that doesn't mean she's not interested in staying friends - it just means you need to make it clear to her that you've accepted her decision (if you have).
Does she make an effort to stay in touch? This is usually a good sign. Even if she's hesitant to meet up at first, the fact that she's returning your calls su¬gests that she wants to stay friends.

Don't lead her on
Of course, if she's the one who wants to keep things horizontal or move on to a romantic level, you have to be careful not to lead her on in any way. Here are some tips to help ensure that she doesn't get the wrong idea.

Avoid alone time
When you first begin hanging out with her again, do so with a group of common friends. It will help reinforce that you just want to be friends, and it can also make things less awkward. 

Date other people...
...and tell her about it. Encourage her to do the same. This will help her realize that you're now turning to someone else. If this is too difficult for either of you, it's probably a sign that you need more time before you can go back to being friends. 

Fight the temptation to rekindle the romance
Despite your best efforts, you may still find yourself in a situation where you're tempted to “relapse”. If you ever feel like you might give in to temptation, part ways to avoid the inevitable consequences.

Give her space
Be aware that you may be on different timelines. Just because the time may feel right for you to start being friends again, doesn't mean that the time is right for her. Does she make up excuses when you ask to hang out? Does she try to keep your conversations short? Pick up on the hints if she seems like she needs some space, and be willing to give it to her.

Know when to stop trying
Sometimes, no matter how much space you give her or how hard you try not to lead her on, a former friend turned lover will never be able to just be your friend again. Ask yourself the following questions and pick up on clues that the friendship can't be salvaged:
Does she still see you as a potential boyfriend? If she talks about how things “could have turned out,” this probably means that she still has her sights set on romance, and will never be satisfied with a relationship that's strictly platonic.
Does she get jealous? If she acts possessive when you talk about other women, then this is a problem. Jealousy is usually a sure sign that she still wishes you were more than friends. And if the feeling's not mutual, it's probably best to keep your distance.
Does she resent you? Does she constantly remind you about things you did wrong? If she still harbors feelings of bitterness a few weeks down the road, she probably will forever.

Live and let live
Don't beat yourself up if the friend¬ship never moves forward; it happens to the best of us. The most important thing is that you learn to recognize when it's time to move on and meet new people.

10 things you should never do after a break-up

Whether it’s drowning your heartbreak in booze or ceremonially throwing out everything that reminds you of your ex, breaking up can trigger a host of frantic activities. But what should you never do after a break-up? Take a look at the top 10

1. Stay ‘friends’ with your ex

This is the No1 rule for a good reason: staying friends with your ex after breaking up is a terrible idea. If it’s because you feel guilty, then all you’re doing is leading them on. And if it’s because you think you have a chance of getting back together, you’re just setting yourself up for more hurt.
Potentially, you might salvage a friendship from the wreckage somewhere down the line but don’t jump the gun.

2. Pretend everything is ok

Let it all out on your nearest and dearest and don’t feel ashamed about it. This process might seem embarrassing but ultimately showing your emotions post-break up will help you grow. Plus, there’s nothing more cathartic than a good cry.

3. Panic about being alone

Psychologists liken recovering from heartbreak to weaning yourself off nicotine or even hard drugs. This is because your brain chemistry has grown used to the ‘high’ from being around your ex. Equally, your body has become accustomed to floods of endorphins and serotonin (feel-good hormones) during the bonding stages of the relationship. Turning those circuits off can create severe mental cravings, aches and pains, and sleepless nights. But rest assured, you will recover.

4. Obsess about your ex

If you’re still in love with your ex it can be really hard not thinking about them. There are a number of mind techniques you can explore to challenge this such as EFT (emotional freedom technique), hypnotherapy and meditation. However, a quick and practical tool is the ‘three-second rule’. As soon as your ex pops into your head, acknowledge the thought, count to three, then focus immediately on something else. Keep doing this, even if it’s several times a day, and their spectre will start to fade.

5. Haircuts, piercings, tattoos….

We all know at least one person who’s had a break-up makeover. Sometimes it works, but usually cutting off your long blonde locks and dying your new crop black just to show you’re a ‘new’ person becomes something you regret.
The same applies to piercings – and especially to tattoos. You might not think it, but your idea for a new tattoo design may well be rooted in your heartache. So maybe wait a while before getting ‘Life’s a Bitch’ inked on your thigh.

6. Check up on your partner

We know: you’ve spent months or even years knowing almost every detail of your partner’s life and now: nothing. You’ve been totally cut off. But whatever you do, resist the temptation to keep a foothold in their life by checking up on them.
This is especially important if you have mutual friends. Ask your friends to respect your break-up and keep the conversation away from your ex. Focus on your own life and try to stop thinking about what they may or may not be doing without you.

7. Stalking

One of the definite downsides of social media is the ease with which it allows us to spy on, or even harass former partners. Promise yourself two things: that you won’t post anything (however cryptic) about breaking up online; and that you won’t check your ex’s Instagram/Facebook feed/Pinterest board obsessively. If you can’t be trusted then defriend or unfollow your ex. In fact, do this as a matter of course.

8. Get your own back

Revenge might seem like a brilliant idea but please, don’t go there. Burning the stuff he left at your house or kidnapping her cat might be tempting but the outcome is pretty inevitable: you will seem mentally imbalanced and may even end up in trouble with the police.
Think positive and focus your energies to getting on with your life rather than regressing.

9. Have making love with your ex

No. Just no. You’ll regret it. Maybe not straight away but when you realise that making love isn’t going to bring them back into your life, you’ll feel like rubbish.

10. Give up on love

Your failed relationship is not worth you giving up on life and love. It can feel like you’ll never meet someone special ever again, but don’t resign yourself to a lifetime of being single.
Love ebbs and flows; it’s not a one-time experience. Give yourself time to recover and then, when you’re ready, start looking for love again. You will feel better, trust us. And when you’re ready, try the eharmony free dating experience to find people you truly connect with.


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